From Untitled. Until I Think of Something Clever
"In the office I have certain rules which I follow at all times…
#1. I always insist upon emitting just the slightest odor of egg salad sandwich.
#2. Similar to Rule #1: I only eat burritos or anything containing beans for lunch (when no one is looking). Technically, I was told to stop eating beans, but I don’t think they can legally do that.
#3. I expect that there will be a constant supply of hot coffee. When there is not, I am quick to anger and say something rude to the person nearest. Then I knock something off my desk and feel powerful (but very alone).
#4. I do not ridicule or criticize my coworkers… to their faces. If they are in a meeting, out sick or their back is turned, then they are fair game. I assume by now everyone knows this rule and will not say “you smell” while looking directly at me anymore.
#5. When asked to complete a task by a coworker I laugh hysterically and, if possible, piss my pants. This sort of screws with Rule #1. But urine trumps egg and then I go home early that day.
#6. I leave post-it notes on various things in the office that simply say “Mine.”
#7. I always make sure to say “good morning” to every one, followed by “moron” or “asshole” very softly, under my breath. Some days it’s still sort of audible, so…I generally go home early those days too."
